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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  November 23, 2011 9:30am-10:00am PST

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chicken in terminal b. light of herm cain controversy i realized it might not have been southern again tillity but sexual harassment because the ladies behind the counter called me honey, sweety and darling. >> tonight a new justification for waterboarding. now it's brita filtered. then seattle cops pepper spray the elderly. hey, it's just nice that someone visited. and my guest chris matthews has a new book about john f. kennedy, although i have a theory there was a second author. north korea is opening to tourists. you'll come for the kimchi. you'll stay because you can't leave. this is the colbert report. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, so much. report to the report. good to have you with us. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. nation, it's wednesday. and that means it's time for a new g.o.p. front-runner. ( laughter ) jim. >> once given up for political roadkill newt gingrich killing them all. in the latest polling he is the front-runner. >> there is a p.p.p. poll showing newt gingrich, 38, mitt romney 18. >> stephen: it makes sense gingrich is rising. he appears to be the only candidate who appears to be made of dough. newt's campaign got off to a bit of a rocky start. back in june, instead of campaigning in iowa, newt wont a
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two-week luxury cruise through the greek isle aborn the "seaborn odyssey." in response his staff quit and his donors abandoned him, but yesterday we learned that was no pleasure cruise. it was a pleasure fact-finding mission. as newt explained to iowa voters, "i visited greece in june. i talked to people about what they were faced with in greece, and i listened to them, and i tried to understand that they faced a crisis of enormous proportions." yes, and we have some actual footage of the economic summit where newt got firsthand information about the greek debt crisis aboard the luxurious "seaborn odyssey," rubbing elbows and white gloves with your average jorgos, on the red carpet at the awl you can swill mion moasa bu-- mimosa buffets, and the roman baths. i believe that's the greek parliament there. there was unrest on the lido deck.
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there is a protest wer molotov kebobs. i don't know what's happening here. it looks sexy. james carville was on board of cruise. and here is newt staying hydrated, very important when you're discussing the greek debt crise. and newt's explanation of his all-you-can-research booze cruise puts any of his so-called scandals in a new light. that half a million dollar line of credit at tiffanies? he was just studying the reckless spending that is ruining our economy. his million-plus fake twitter followers. a daring expoas a of internet fraud. the three wives, two of whom he cheated, one while she was battling cancer, that was not gay. ( laughter ) ( applause ) newt with a bullet. newt with a bullet. nation, i say you should never judge a book by its cover. wait till the movie comes out. ( laughter ). this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger.
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cheape( cheers ) you know, i have always supported friend of the show and libertarian bridge troll ron paul. ( laughter ) that's why i am so excited about the new 2012 pinups for ron paul calendars full of lovely ladies that illustrate important libertarian causes. for instance, miss october is dressed as lady liberty about to have her blood sucked by the dracula of war, inflation, and bailouts, while understand in the graveyard of peace and liberty. crisp, clear, messaging. but a little simplistic. for next year, might i suggest a sexy betsy ross sewing a flag labeled cap and trade while an f.d.a. frankenstein sneaks up on her with a knife labeled social safety net, and a net labeled debt while they're on a high wire of freedom over a bubbling
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lava pit labeled free school lunches. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now-- but as much as i love this calendar, i have to wag my finger at pinups for ron paul. because this allegedly libertarian product features all the federally mandated holidays. who is the government to tell me what day to celebrate the 4th of july? and why are we letting the government regulate the number of days in a year? it would make more sense to go to a decimal system, which austrian economist ludwig von mises has proven would save us 6.7 hechta-hours per kilo-annum. a true libertarian pinup calendar would just be one page. the bottom would be blank so the free market could decide what day it is and the top would just be a mirror because you are the only one who matters. ( laughter )
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( applause ) hello. hello! hello, mr. november. got anything on down there? oh! oh! oh, my. all right. personally, i can't wait for herman cain's calendar which features the sexy silhouettes of 12 women he paid to stay anonymous. next, folks, i was happy to see a recent debate, the republican candidates stood up for a core american value. >> if i were president, i would be willing to use waterboarding. i think it was very effective. >> i would return to that policy. i don't see it as torture. >> i will be for it until i die. >> stephen: notice perry surprised me there. he is not known for the simulated killing of prisoners. of course, our wet blanket in chief has a different opinion. >> anybody who has actually read about and understands the practice of waterboarding would
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say that that is torture. >> stephen: fine. if i don't read about it or understand it i still say it's a lung jacuzzi. luckily, folks, there is one brave voice standing up for what's right so a tip of my hat to florida representative alan west. jim, play the man. >> and as the president, you need to do those things which are necessary to make sure that the american people are kept safe. furthermore initiate movie "g.i. jane," demy moore was waterboarded. >> stephen: folks i need no further proof that waterboarding is effect and i have necessary from the fact that it was used on demi moore. that movie came out 14 years ago and she still looks incredible. we should call it "cougar boarding." i believe alan west is on to something. if it's okay to do it in a 57, it is a valid interrogation tactic. therefore, detainees should be forced to drink oil, have their
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brains suckud out by a giant bug, or play shirtless beach volleyball in tight jeans. finally, eye-opening consumer news from kcbs, los angeles' news leader. >> laitle necklace is caution a big controversy at forever 21 clothing stores. it's called the oriental girl necklace. it has the internet becausing with people who say the term oriental is racist and say the charm itself is derogatory in its depiction of air,ian women. >> stephen: that's right. they so angry they hate you long time. ( laughter ). folks, this controversial necklace has been pulled from the shelves, so if you bought one, it is now a rare collector's item. because forever 21 recently had to stop selling an offensive girls' t-shirt that read, "allergic to algebra." that discontinued $12.80 shirt showed up on e-bay for $16.99
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which even a girl knows is more. that's why i'm giving a tip of my hat to offensive merchandise. it is a stable, long-term investment. for instance, back in 2002, before this long brothers laundry service t-shirt was pulled from shelved at abercrombie and fitch. it went for 25 bucks. it now fetches 65. this stunned market watchers who were surprised that abercrombie sold clothing. but if you really want to make some real money i say cut out the middle man and sell your own discontinued racist merchandise, like t-shirts with hip phrases like not squinting, just cor18. and mulattos have mixed feelings which of course coulds in a colpoly-cotton blend. these products will fly off the shelves as fast as the brick flies through your window. we'll be right
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>> stephen: folks all across america cities have had enough of these occupy movements and yesterday tensions in seattle bubbled up like a phone a matchiato. we turn to knbc. >> chaot erupts in downtown seattle as occupy protesters took over a major intersection. police moved in with pepper
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spray. dozens of protesters were hit, including this pregnant woman. an 84-year-old elderly woman was all sprayed. >> stephen: now, spraying an 84-year-old woman sounds harsh until you learn that she was four foot 10. she could have gotten underneath their guard and pinched their cheeks or pelted them with a werthery original. and some have criticized pepper spraying a pregnant woman, but don't forget the cops were spraying for two. and i don't see why they didn't cuff that tiny protester occupying her womb. just another lazy, do-nothing mooching off the system. free room, free board, and free mozart for the next nine months. get a job! ive say you got time to gestate, you got time to collate. ( laughter ) ( applause ) so, folks, clearly,-- ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you. you guys get it. ( laughter ) so none of this was excessive,
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ladies and gentlemen. as seattle police spokesman explained, the spray is not age specific. it's no more dangerous to someone who is 10 or someone who is 80. you see, being agonizingl agoniy blinded by pepper spray is fun for the whole family and perfectly harmless. to prove it i'm going to demonstrate right here on my show. jimmy, send in the 10-year-old boy. come on in. ( applause ) danny, everybody. give it up ( cheers and applause ) hey, danny. thank you for coming on. >> hi, stephen. >> stephen: okay, now, danny are you ready to get pepper sprayed? >> what's happening? ( laughter ). >> stephen: don't worry, the seattle police say it is harmless to pepper spray a 10-year-old boy. >> do you have to? >> stephen: yeah. uh, i would do it to a rabbit but then i'd have peta on my ass. okay. and after we are done, i will give you this delicious gogurt as a reward.
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okay? ( laughter ) all right, now, danny, this is five mill scoville units of concentrated cappization. are you allerger to pepper oil? >> i don't know. >> stephen: let's find out. you have to take your glass off, okay. you have to take your glasses off. are you ready? are you ready to do this? one-- lean in a little closer-- two, three. aahhhh! aahhh! aahhhh! i am blind! aaah. my eyes! help me, danny. oh, my god! my eyes. cut my eyeballs out! oh, my god! my eyeballs are re-entering the atmosphere! what is happening? i wish i were dead! danny, help me. give me something. what have you got?
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yes! oh. ahhh. oh. oh, that is good. that is good. >> am i still getting a gogurt. >> stephen: what? >> am i still getting a gogurt? >> stephen: no, no, i need this one. >> i'm not leaving without my gogurt. >> stephen: yes you are! get out of here! we'll be right back, gaaaah!
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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you very much. folks, my guest tonight has a new book about john f. kennedy. ask not what this book plug can do for him but what he can do for his book plug. please welcome chris matthews! ( cheers and applause ) chris, good to see you. you've got to get a live audienceo your show, man. you and i may not agree on many things, but i admire your ability to keep words coming out of your mouth. ( laughter ) when is the last time you breathed in? >> can't afford to do that. >> stephen: all right, you're the host of "hartball." everybody knows. you also havelet "chris math use" show on nbc. you have the full resources of msnbc, the news decision division and yet you're on my
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show to plug your book, "jack kennedy: elusive hero." by coming on, you have admitted my half hour show has more pull than your entire network. you realize that ( cheers and applause ) i accept your surrender. >> well, the reason i did it is because you have, as you can see, lailts younger audience than i do and i wanted them to know we once had a hero for president and i wanted to tell them about this guy. >> stephen: tell them about the jack kennedy character. some don't know who he is. >> in the second world war he was a skipper of the p.t . boat that got cut in half by a japanese destroyer in the middle of the night and dived into water, saved one guy, and then ended up saving the whole crew. he swam for four hours with the strap of a guy' guy's lifejacken his teeth, pulling the guy-- he had a bad back to begin with-- and saved the whole crew, got them home. >> stephen: the best part of that story to me is he carved a
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message on a coconut. >> right. >> stephen: he gave it to, like, an islander. gave it to the navy. >> they got it back. he's got them saved. >> stephen: can you imagine how this guy would do on "the amazing race?" >> would be eone time he had a 38 revolver and a flashlight and went swimming out to the channel and treaded water all night trying to flag down another p.t . boat. swam back to the island, threw up on the beach again, went to another island, brought the whole crew with them, again with the guy on his back, swam to another island and went to a third island and found water and brack it back. he was an amazing hero, this guy. word like that gets around when you're that good to your crew. >> stephen: so he won world war ii. that part we have established. why do you say "jack kennedy: elusive hero." everybody knows who this guy is. every other street is named
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after him. he's one of the most famous people in the world. >> his wife said he was an unforgettable elusive hero. she found him hard to figure it out. he lived one life with his wife. he lived another life with the irish buddies, and his elite social friends, old college buddies. everything was a different compartment. that's how he survived. >> stephen: one of the things you said about this book is this isn't just jack kennedy the president, it's jack kennedy the man. if you want to sell books, shouldn't it be jack kennedy the teenaged vampire. >> i talked about his teenaged years, how he was a trouble maker, how he was always sick, always lonely. he loved reading about heroes, about churchill and king arthur and it is because he was lonely and always reading and not a jock, that he grew up to be a student of heroes and became a hero himself. his sister told him the same thing. jack kennedy was sick most of his life. his brother said if a mosquito
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ever bit jack, the mosquito would die immediately. he was always sick. people didn't know that. he had addison's disease. you're catholic. he had the last rites in 1447, again in 1951, another in 1954. he was near death so many times -- >> sstephen: so he's a sacrament hog. >> you know you only get that sacrament when you're near death. he managed to make it to the presidency despite all those illnesses. >> stephen: why are you guys -- i mean you lefties-- >> he wasn't a lefty. >> stephen: but you are. why are you so obsessed with this particular democratic president. why not franklin pierce? why not grover cleveland? >> for an objective -- >> stephen: i'm still talking. two nonconsecutive terms. no one else ever did that. >> recently, the american people were asked who should be on mount rushmore with washington,
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jefferson, lincoln, and teddy roosevelt, they picked jack kennedy. the american people loved this president. >> stephen: i grew up with icones of him in my house because i'm a catholic. i thought eye thought maybe he was a saint as a child. ( laughter ) >> he was a hero. and he saved this country. i was one of those kids who grew up hiding inspector a school desk because we thought there would be a nuclear war. this guy got us through the cold war without having a nuclear war, the cuban missile crisis. he was the only guy that didn't want to go blow up cuba. which you chef said in his memoir he was going to hit new york with his weapons. >> stephen: who is the next kennedy, is it gingrich? ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> no! >> stephen: chris, thank you so much. chris matthews, the book is "jack kennedy: elusive hero." we'll be right back. ♪
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>> stephen: well, folks, "that's it for the report. before we go, kids gather around the tv for another "colbert report" bedtime story. okay ♪ ♪ ( clears throat ) once upon a time, there was a handsome prince named dragon. it just so napped dragon' dragoe lived a fierceon dragon named wizard. dragon went to the town wizard named town drunk to ask for
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help. so they put a spell on prince, which made prince look like a female dragon. the next thing you know, wizard, the dragon, flew down to meet prince, now a dragon, thanks to town drunk the wizard. at which point, the great wizard town drunk cast a spell banishing wizard forever and dragon was pleased. the end ( cheers and applause ) good night. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org
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